Abused by a psychotherapist who was a misanthrope

by Thomas
(Bronx)

I have a very long story, and I don't know where to begin. The pain of the experience is still raw, even though years have now passed. My life is still ruined, and probably always will remain that way.

I was abused by a therapist for 20 years - that's right, 20 years. The fact that I stayed with him for so long, is now used against me by my current therapist to shame me for staying with him for so long. It is hinted that I asked for it by staying with him for that long. Or it can also be hinted that maybe I am exaggerating how bad my therapist was; in order to explain away my own failures in life.

When I was a teenager in the early 1990's, I first went to a community mental health center in a leafy section of the northwest Bronx. That's when I first met my therapist, Bill. It was then that I sought out therapy for the first time; to deal with a violent upbringing at home, and being bullied at school. I had been a misfit in life up until that time; but I had remained functional in life. I was a full time college student, and I worked 30 hours a week to pay my own tuition.

Bill seemed to pick up on me being a misfit, and I think that he sensed a kindred spirit to bond with. He seemed to take pleasure in telling me all about what a misfit he had been all his life too. He seemed proud of it - the fact that he didn't get along with his coworkers at this mental health clinic where he worked.

There is way too much ground to be covered here; so I better just skip to the highlights of his improper behavior over the course of 20 years. It should be noted that Bill's employers at the clinic have added to the abuse by disavowing any responsibility for his misconduct after he retired a few years ago. Indeed, the clinic has blamed me for staying with him for that long without making any report about him while I was with him.

In no particular chronological order, here is a list of the abusive things which Bill did to me. He hated women, and he frequently made homoerotic comments to me in session. (I am a heterosexual white male; and I made it clear from the outset that my sexual attraction was towards women) Now I fear that he may have had a sexual attraction towards me for all of those years. I feel sick and violated.

Bill actively mocked my attempts to choose a career path back in the early 90's. He expressed no interest in helping me to decide what kind of work I would like to do for a living. He then ushered me into going onto permanent disability around the year 2000 - and I have been on disability ever since. I maintain that the reason why I ended up disabled (emotionally and psychologically) is because of my exposure to Bill's damaging influence. I worked four different entry level jobs throughout the 90's until my soul was crushed by Bill's poisonous influence.

Bill forced me to sign treatment plan forms, which he would not allow me to read first. He would hand me a pen and the form, with the paper deliberately folded to the signature line, and he would glare at me in anger if I gave any indication that I wanted to read the form first. In later years, with my second therapist, I finally found out that the treatment plan was supposed to be a collaborative effort between the therapist and the patient. We were supposed to be writing the form together, and Bill wouldn't even let me read the blasted thing before he forced me to sign it.

Bill talked about his coworkers in front of me in session, talking about how much he hated interacting with them. He talked about his other patients to me, and told me that he felt ostracized by his coworkers and other patients. He complained to me about having to attend staff meetings - while I was unemployed and had no job skills.

Bill deliberately strangled the lines of communication outside of the room; so that felt unable to ask anyone else for help, or tell anyone else about the awful things that Bill would say to me in session. Bill actively discouraged me from saying anything meaningful to the psychiatrist who I was required to see once a month. (since Bill was only a social worker and psychotherapist, but not a doctor) Bill encouraged me to think of the psychiatrist as my enemy, and to fear her as such. Bill told me that only he "got me" or understood me, and that my psychiatrist would commit me to a psych-ward if I opened up to her and told her my innermost thoughts. The cruel irony of this is, that in later years, I found out that my psychiatrist was an honorable woman - and she certainly would have helped me against Bill if I had only spoken up to her about him. I feel terrible loss and guilt over this fact.

Bill would waste my time in session gossiping about current TV shows, or what his relatives were up to. He talked about his own sibling's family in session to me; which I have now been told is considered to be a big violation for a therapist.

Bill never wanted me to grow up and have a functional life of my own. He didn't want me to have a girlfriend or a wife, or friends of any kind. He would have felt threatened and betrayed by that. He wanted to keep me seeing him once a week until he eventually retired, which he did a few years ago.

Bill wanted me to continue meeting with him outside of the clinic after he retired, but I never did see him again after that. I told my second therapist, who replaced Bill, about his desire to see me outside of the clinic, and she quickly squashed that from happening. (much to her credit)

I'm tired from typing all of this - even though I feel like I could write for another hour and not even scratch the surface of how creepy and poisonous Bill was. I feel destroyed and ruined. I am now a man-child in my mid 40's with no job skills or prospects for a life which won't be a catastrophe. God help me.